Emotions/Goodnight
by Enchanted1
Summary: A girl tells her story of her heartbreak with Spot from her point of view.


Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, except for Enchanted. And the song, "Emotions" is not mine, it is performed by Destiny's Child. Ok, don't sue me, please, I don't got much!!  
  
I am no longer afraid of the dark as I hide in my sanctuary of tears, surrounded by the people of the Lodging House. In fact, most of my fears have dissipated, along with your love for me. My most persistent one is the fear that you will someday pass me on the street, and catch me crying for you, tears of remorse and grief that only the heartbroken can cry...  
*************  
It's over and done,  
But the heartache lives on,  
Inside...  
And who is the one you're clingin' to,  
Instead of me,  
Tonight?  
*************  
That dreadful day still lives in my memory, still fresh like a flower pressed between pages of a book. Even though that day ended weeks ago with an anti-climatic lull, I still haven't gotten over the fact that you broke it off with me. The pain is as sharp as always, making me ache all over, in my arms and in my legs, and most especially in my heart...  
I should have known something was wrong the moment I laid eyes on you that day. You looked at me with a thoughtful look in your eyes, as if considering an important decision. You never look reflective when you are pondering over a determination; you always keep that same façade of strength and certainty and aloof confidence.   
The second time I should have known something was wrong was when I kissed you with the same joy I feel each and every day just to be around you. And then, you abruptly cut the kiss short, as if with a pair of shears, and turned away, that same contemplative look on your face.  
Finally, you turned to me, and the bright smile waned uncertainly on my face. There was a moment of halting silence as the sun above suddenly turned from pleasing luke-warm to emitting a scorching wave of heat.   
And then those heart-breaking words I thought I would never hear you say: "I'se t'ink we should break it off."  
My reaction is one of simple shock and bewilderment. How could you---someone who has pledged me your heart to keep forever---yank it away from me like that? So suddenly and without apparent warnings? I cannot believe your harsh words and for one second, I have the irresistible urge to laugh at the words you have just said to me. But one look into your beautiful eyes silences the wave of laughter.  
'No...' something within me begs, as I struggle not to throw myself at your feet and grovel. 'What is it that I have done wrong?' I question silently, searching your body for the answer. You stand still, aloof, visibly uncaring, as if you do this every day.  
"You're sure?" I murmur, not wanting to be heard. Perhaps he would give me a second chance...perhaps we could fix whatever went wrong.  
For one instant, an uncertain look flashes across your eyes, and a truimphant smile leaps up, ready to play on my lips.  
And then that uncertain look is replaced by one of unwavering resolve. "Yes. I'se shoah."  
"Ok," I agree softly, incapable of putting into words the emotions that flood me suddenly. I want to say so many things, but I am afraid you would simply laugh at me and make me ache even more.  
With that one word, our relationship ended as brusquely as it had begun. You smile and reach a hand out, but I jerk my head away.   
My only thought is of the feelings that rush at me, and the image of you clinging onto someone else tonight, thinking the world of her, and not caring about me like you used to...  
*************  
And where are you now,  
Now that I need you?  
Tears on my pillow,  
Wherever you go...  
I cry me a river,  
That leads to your ocean...  
You'll never see me fall apart...  
In the words of a broken heart,  
*************  
And now, you are not here with me any longer. When I need you the most in my troubled life, your are gone, off to explore the world for ladies with more potential than I.   
For the past three weeks, I spent the night crying. My pillow is permanently stained with the bittersweet tears I cry, and everyone makes a big deal out of looking away and ignoring that fact.  
My tears will always lead to you. You are the cause of the pain I feel now, and only you can make the pain cease.  
I turn over in my bed and bury my head in my gray pillow again, feeling the tell-tale signs of a sob starting up.   
I don't want you to observe me feeling this pain. You would never see me fall apart in front of you. I keep my mask seamlessly tight, never letting it falter. But at night, within the safety of my narrow bunk bed, that's when I slip off the mask, and let the tears fall.  
My heart is broken, and it hurts to be near you. In the words of a broken heart...  
*************  
It's just emotions,  
Taking me over.  
Heart ache and sorrow,  
Lost in a song...  
Well, if you don't come home,  
Come back to me darling...  
Don't you know there's,  
Nobody left in this world to hold me tight?  
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?  
*************  
I know that this is foolish to spend my nights like this, dreaming of a life that could have been. I never used to be so miserable and depressed before. I was tough, newsboys were scared of me. But now...I'm just an empty shell, waiting to be filled again.  
These things I'm feeling, are just emotions, and they will pass, I tell myself. I just need to somehow discover how to stop them from completely taking over, and reduce me to a wreck of tears and sobs.  
They are simply heartache and sorrow, when it all comes down to it. And I shouldn't be so affected. It's what I tell myself. It's not like it's true.  
Every single night I relive that day, hoping and praying that you will come back to me. Tell me you were wrong. There is no one else for me now that you've come along, no one else to hold me in his arms, no one else to kiss my lips in a meaning of goodnight.  
*************  
I've been by your side.  
A part of all the things,  
You are....  
*************  
Unquenchable anger fills me unexpectedly, drying up all the unshed tears I have left. There will be no more crying for tonight, I realize that now.  
Since you've met me a few years ago, it has been an unspoken act. Even when we weren't together, no one tried to ask me to be his girl, and you...everyone knew that your heart was mine. What the hell were you trying to pull in dumping me? In breaking me off?   
I have been by your side since I met you; there is not one secret from your past that I don't know. I know the finest of you, and I know the poorest of you, as do you with me. And every desire and fear that you have, I know and understand. Even (in its simplicity) the way you walk I have committed to memory. When you know someone for a long time, their very simple actions sink into your brain, from the way you glare to the crooked way you smile. And I am sure you have done so with me...  
I am part of you, the way you have been part of me. Always. Why can't you SEE that?!  
*************  
But you didn't wanna find your soul mate,  
You had to go find your shooting star...  
*************  
Maybe it's the fact that I'm just a girl who won't draw enough attention. Is that it? Do you need a girl whose ego will match your own, whose stunning good looks can actually compare to yours?   
Even though we were meant for each other, you refuse to acknowledge the fact that I am not 'dazzling' or that I am just so unbearably plain. In your eyes, anyway.  
Of course, with my ordinary long, black hair and my large, brown, eyes, there is nothing to me that could hold your attention for very long, right?  
I moan in despair and turn my plain looking face away from the window, where the moon is gaping at me and my evident sorrow, staring like a wide white eye...  
*************  
And where are you now,  
Now that I need you?  
Tears on my pillow,  
Wherever you go...  
I cry me a river,  
That leads to your ocean...  
You'll never see me fall apart...  
In the words of a broken heart,  
It's just emotions,  
Taking me over.  
Heart ache and sorrow,  
Lost in a song...  
Well, if you don't come home,  
Come back to me darling...  
Don't you know there's,  
Nobody left in this world to hold me tight?  
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?  
*************  
I was indescribably terrified when you showed up at the Lodging House tonight. There was no need for you to be here, Race wasn't holding his daily poker game (he was starting to get out of the habit, really).  
When you said you had to talk to Jack about an important matter, I tuned out your voice as I turned back to my conversation with Azure and LLAP.  
I should have listened to Azure's warnings about you when she said you were no good.  
I should have heeded LLAP's warning about how you would undoubtedly just play with me for a while, like a puppet, and then you would toss me away, like a used toy.  
I should have listened when they said you would break my heart.  
I shake myself. 'Stop it,' I scold myself, 'Your depression is getting worse and worse ever single day. You need to get over him. You can't spend your life crying over someone like him!'  
'Can I?' another silent voice asks, meekly and timidly.  
'Of course not!' I think of ways to rid myself of the pain, until I hit upon the simple suggestion: Free myself of your memory.  
Easy enough.   
Only, everywhere I turn, you are there. Every corner, every soft sweet smile that plays on lovers lips, I will always be reminded of you. There are too many remembrances that call you to mind. Like that day at the park. Or that day at the bridge. Or that day I spent locked in your arms...  
Shaking myself again, and destroying the chance to shed more tears for you, I realize what I have to do. A flicker of prospect hints through my dark despair.  
Abruptly standing up from my bed, I let the gray, stained blanket fall to the floor, let it crumple in an unattended heap. The time is 1:00 A.M. and you are fast asleep in the bunk across from Jack's. I still can't believe that the trouble you had to confide about with him was that important...so significant that you had to spend the night here.  
Swiftly gathering up the few possessions I have, (a book and a round locket I've had since my parents died in that fire, thank God, being the most important of them) I stow them in a small bag I pilfer from Azure. She won't mind. I'll be back to return the green bag to her, after all.  
Taking one last look at the Lodging House and my sleeping friends, I beam, letting the excitement of the coming adventure seep into my veins.   
That one ray of hope was the fact that if I went away, only for a little while, maybe it would help stop the emotions that stab at me. Maybe I could get over you faster. Perhaps tomorrow night, instead of crying, I can smile a bitter smile at how fate has dealt me a losing hand. And then, I could accept the fact that you don't love me anymore. And the emotions would slowly wither away, without the fire burning within me to fuel them any longer.  
I cannot get myself to leave without doing one last thing. I step to your bunk, making sure not to make any noise. Jack's always been a light sleeper.   
Lovingly, I draw a line across your cheek with my fingers, and hesitantly run them through your thick hair. My arms ache to gather you up and clasp your body to mine. But I silence that ache with a sharp comment about how pathetic I am being. Turning away from you, (hardest thing I have ever done) I finger the gold-tipped cane you hung on the bedpost before you fell asleep. I toy with the slingshot you always tote around with you, and for one fraction of a second, I feel envious of the truth that they remain near you always, while I can't.   
Deciding on what feels right, I take the small, silver locket from my neck. I drop it over the slingshot, and the silver chain spills onto and entwines around the weapon's rough wood.   
So you will know. That one day I will return, stronger than ever before, but still madly in love with you. And one day, when you realize that we belong together, I will take that locket back from you with joyful hands. Until then, it will hang around your neck, besides that silver key on a string.  
Maybe the love just died between us. If that is so, I know I can make it live again. Maybe you forgot. I will make you remember.   
But I have to go and get rid of these emotions that take me over every night when you are not looking. And when the heartache and sorrow is gone, I will be able to try again.  
A tear slips down my cheek, breaking my vow of no more tears shed for you tonight. "Until then," I whisper, my words permeating the dull, sleepy air, "It isn't goodbye."  
You smile your crooked smile in your sleep, as if you are having good dreams. It makes my heart leap up into my chest...who are you dreaming about, I wonder?  
"It's just goodnight." So saying, I bend over your sleeping form and brush my lips against your cheek, giving you a kiss goodnight.  
*************  
Her whisper echoed through the bunk room, making Spot stir in his sleep. He had been having such a good dream... about some girl...waking suddenly, he heard footsteps retreating and a quiet creak of a door opening and closing downstairs in the Manhattan lobby. Then all was silent. He rubbed his forehead wonderingly, and his other hand went to the slingshot that he kept on the nightstand besides him. Pondering over what words had wakened him up, his hands closed, not over the rough wood of his slingshot, but also the texture of something else. He frowned, and brought the object up to his icy, blue eyes, wanting to see it better.  
His heart lurched as he realized what he held in his hands. Enchanted's silver locket. Bewildered, he clasped it tightly in one hand. What did it mean?  
It dawned on him. Jumping out of the bed, he raced to Enchanted's bed, and in horror found only a heaped blanket on the floor, to symbolize someone had been there. Even her possessions were gone, save the locket he had clamped tightly in his fist. People were beginning to stir at the noise he was making. He quietly leaned towards the glass panes of the window set by Enchanted's bed and peered out. The moonlight illuminated someone's retreating figure and her bouncing shadow as she jogged away.  
Then he realized what words she had spoken to wake him up.   
"Goodnight..."  
He proceeded to let one tear trail down his cheek as he stoically latched the locket around his neck. He would wait...he would tell her all of what he had been feeling that day. And he would kiss her again, with all of the unbidden passion and desire he felt.  
He smiled hauntingly at the moon. "Goo' night," he replied softly, sure that she could hear it. "Me goil."  
*************  
Goodnight....  
Goodnight.  
  
  
  



End file.
